Is it helping 1 or abandoning 39?

Luis.

How do you pick one child to give a future to, when you love all 40? How do you pick one child when you know the others can't afford education, when you know all they want is to learn?

I thought that by sponsoring one of my children it would help me transition back into the somewhat selfish life of a commercial television network employee when I return home. I thought it was a good way to keep part of myself in Tanzania, and keep giving back. But that mind frame in itself was selfish, because it's not about me. The truth is it has been such a heartbreaking experience.

I partly let my teachers choose for me, I explained that I wanted to sponsor one of the kids and send them to Intel School, a great private boarding school here in Arusha which has a really good sponsorship program, but I needed to know more about the kids home situation. I knew which were the brightest in the class and which had the biggest hearts, but I didn't know which would be ok without me. Almost all of them, they explained, would not be able to afford to go to a decent primary school.

My placement is at Shining Star Pre-Primary school, with children from 2 years old to 6 years old. I have the 6 year old class so all my kids will have to move schools next year. Shining Star is run by 3 generous women with enormous hearts who started as volunteers, teaching the local kids. The poorest kids can't pay, so the teachers turn a blind eye. That won't happen next year when the 6 year olds move schools.

Luis is the brightest in my class. I remember him clearly on the first day, he was the only child who wasn't excited by us being there. I noticed when I spoke to him he wouldn't look me in the eye, he looked frightened. He kept his head down, his eyes averted, and I couldn't help but wonder if his strange body language was a result of something which had happened to him in the past.

It took about a week to win him over but slowly I started getting little smiles, then high fives, and then one day he took my hand and held it, while giving me cutest little grin. Teacher Lucy suggested he would be the best to sponsor because he has so much potential and such a poor family. So I chose Luis.

I didn't tell him straight away, I waited until I was 100% sure it was going to be possible. And then once I had confirmed an available place with Intel School's director, I arranged  a meeting with Luis and his family to see what their thoughts were. Luis's dad arrived at school half an hour early, and he didn't wipe the smile off his face the whole time. He's young, looks like he's in his late 20s, early 30s. He said through a translator that he preferred boarding over a day student because that way Luis will get 3 meals a day, something they can't always offer him at home. He shook my hand about 8 times.

And then the meeting ended, Luis went and chatted to his friends, and a few came running over to me. I will never forget the look of hope in Ian's* eyes. (I've changed his name for reasons which will soon become apparent.) He tugged on my shirt, and looked up at me with these gorgeous big brown eyes, a half smile on his beautiful but dirty face and said, "Teacher, School?"

Ian* is also an incredibly bright student. He has a heart of gold, and wears the same torn clothes to school every day. He gets to school early and stays as late as he can before he has to walk home. I learnt recently it's because his father is an abusive drunk, most of his baby teeth are cracked. Ian* will not get to go to a decent school next year, because of a decision I made. He will stay in a horrible living situation because I could only pick one. And he's not unusual, all the kids have different stories and different living situations, all are incredibly poor with parents who can't give their children a proper education despite desperately wanting to.

After school today I took Luis for the afternoon to get him set up for his first day at his new school on Monday. We met one of the staff members from Intel school who took us to the local market and helped us get everything we needed. There was a long list of necessities, blue sheets, black school shoes, a towel, washing soap, a pillow, the list goes on. I was the only white person in the market and was extremely glad to have Godson with us (that's his name, to clear up any confusion). The aisles were narrow and dusty, the stalls overcrowded and filled with everything you can think of. We bought a suitcase first and then were ushered into another stall which had almost everything we needed. One of the workers brought me a chair, Luis sat on my lap wide eyed as Godson started handing out orders to the crowds of stall holders eager to cash in on the "Mzungu". We stayed in the one place as they brought everything to us. Cork screws? No! Socks? Yes, 5 pairs, tick that off the list. Plates and cups? No! Undies? Yes, 5 pairs, another tick off the list. Every time something was ticked off the list and dropped into the suitcase Luis turned around to me, stunned, and whispered in my ear, "Thank you teacher."

He needed a pair of black school shoes, runners for sport, and a pair of slip ons for around the boarding house. He looked at them all confused, then he counted in English for my benefit - "one, two, three," then pointing to his own shoes "four shoes?" Again he was stunned. All up they cost less than $35, what I'd happily spend on a casual Melbourne lunch. "Thank you teacher," he said somewhat breathless, and tears started rolling down my face. Awkward.

Had I been there on my own I would have had to fight to the death on every single price but Godson ensured we got local prices and weren't taken for a ride. The only thing I kicked up a fuss about was the grey track suit for sport with the "Adidass" label on it. No, that's not a typo, well at least not by me. The "fake copiers" didn't even know how to spell the brand name, and the was no chance I was paying the asking price for it. Even Godson didn't realise they weren't genuine Adidas trackies until I pointed it out to him. I eventually got them for half price. Winning.

I'd hired the use of our trusty driver Jimmy for the afternoon and it was finally time to load up the purchases and take Luis home. He directed Jimmy where to go in Swahili and I finally got to meet his mum and baby sister Catherine. Same name as my mum, it must be a sign.

Luis's mum was waiting for us at the end of a dirt road. The family lives in a few rooms with a tiny store set up through one of the windows for income. She didn't speak a word of English but she too shook my hand and smiled. Godson explained to her that we'll pick them all up on Monday to tour the school and support Luis for his first day. It will be just the three of them at home now. I asked through translation if they were sad that Luis wouldn't be living with them anymore, 6 is such a young age for boarding school. And they laughed.